My back garden plot has been quite a disappointment. The other day I decided to turn over the soil and work in some organic matter. Taking up the shovel I quickly realized a problem: under the first few inches of good-looking dirt, I found solid Georgia clay. No wonder my vegetables weren’t growing well! Their roots couldn’t penetrate that hard clay. I could hardly budge it with my shovel and foot power.
Bit by bit, I cut into the 4-5″ layer of clay. Stabbing with the shovel; jumping on it; wiggling the shovel back and forth, I began to remove great big hulks of clay from the ground. Most of these hulks wouldn’t even crack if I dropped them on the ground. It was hard work. I used my shovel like a lever to pry the compacted clay forth.
Thoughts began to fly softly through my mind. Less than a mile away is the cemetery plot where I will probably one day be buried. I’ve heard how hard it is to dig graves in that soil. “Unless a grain of wheat fall into the ground and die, it remains but a simple grain of wheat.” No grain could fall into this hard ground and bear fruit. What about the soil of my soul? Was it so hard and compacted that good seed couldn’t grow in it? I could easily imagine good dispositions, intentions, attempts, habits, the movements of God’s grace all stifling in such soil. How was the soil in my own heart?
My kids came and claimed the chunks of red clay. I didn’t want it all back in my garden. If it was easier to break up and crumble into dust that could be mixed with compost… Maybe then I would keep it, but I didn’t have the time or patience for such a lengthy endeavor. Instead we carted it off to the sand box for the kids to enjoy.
From Clay to Soil
I continued to cut and pry away the clay in my garden. How could I change the clay in my heart? Maybe daily prayer and reflection were the shovels which could uncover and unearth the hardness in my heart? Scripture could bring to light my bad habits and sinfulness. But, would the soil ever become better?
Later that night, I joined with many other women at an uplifting prayer meeting. As we sang songs of praise, my heart felt glad but also heavy. I could feel the heaviness within my heart, the places love wouldn’t flow. “My Lord, what am I to do with these hardened spaces within me?” Immediately, the picture of those clay clods came to mind. What did I do with those? Hilarious. I gave the clay to my children to let them break it up.
Ordinary Children’s Play
How hard is it to break up those brick-like walls in our hearts? It’s children’s play… For us moms. It’s traffic jams for the commuter, sarcastic co-workers for others, long office waits for many. How can we transform our hearts into fertile soil? By accepting the difficulties, small or great which our state-of-life presents us. You know I don’t mean a wimpy acceptance of all trials and persecution. I speak rather of a gentleness which accepts the yoke of difficulty for love, with love.
My children break up the clods of my selfishness with their constant little needs–a drink, a new diaper, a story, help getting dressed. They work on my enormous impatience with their myriads of impetuous mistakes and mishaps. When the cup of milk hits the floor, I want to explode in wrath, but then I see their lack of coordination and good intent. If I don’t want to crush their attempts at growth, I need to let my impatience be broken, cracked to let love flow through.
Day by day, I want my prayer to be, “How can I let my clay be broken today?” Instead of seeking self-realization through preserving myself, I want to flourish with life, allowing love and light to penetrate through my heart. The proper method of improving clay soil doesn’t involve losing any of the clay, but rather allowing it to be broken and intermixed with organic matter. I don’t lose whatever is good in me by this process: I only gain space and matter to improve my heart. The discomfort is worth the goal: that my heart be a garden where hearts may rejoice.
“I will give you a new heart… Taking from your bodies your stoney hearts.” Ez 36:26
There’s hope! I’m a Christian. I don’t believe in gardening alone. Instead of depending entirely on myself, I rely on my Lord to gently remind me to choose love instead of selfishness. When the soil in my heart seems hopelessly hard, He sends grace, found in friends, prayer, and inspiration to soften soil. Like rain his grace can make the digging easier.
And, like the clay which needs not to Lose itself but to Loosen itself, our hearts lose nothing good in this process. It may be painful to take the shovel to the heart. It may be discouraging to jab and pry away at rock-like soil, but the end is sweet abundance. The Gardener teaches us to savor the goodness of this world and to rejoice. And, ultimately, the greatest joy is abiding friendship with Him.
This quote says it so well:
“If we let Christ into our lives, we lose nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing of what makes life free, beautiful and great. No! Only in this friendship are the doors of life opened wide. Only in this friendship is the great potential of human existence truly revealed. Only in this friendship do we experience beauty and liberation…
Open wide the doors to Christ and you will find life.”
Pope Benedict XVI
